Working Moms as Examples - Retrospection From the Male Side

My sister posted on her blog today about her desire to earn income for her family and be a role model for her daughters - show how women aren't limited in their family roles.  That sparked another blog post by my wife wherein she talked about what it was like growing up with two working parents and some of the conflicts that brought about.  This is my way of chipping in.

My mom never worked full-time when I was a kid.  By no means were we a privileged family where we were living large off of my dad's single income.  With seven kids, money was always tight.  But in my parents' eyes, caring for kids was more important than spending on kids.  Nonetheless, the ends had to meet somehow.  So my mom worked odd jobs as far back as I can remember.  It was mostly paper routes, but she also did things like entering things in the county fair, babysitting, and cleaning hotel rooms.

Looking back on that time period, I've come to realize that I was completely callous about the struggles that my mom went through.  I was too self-absorbed in my own banal teenage drama to appreciate what was really going on.  From where I am in life now, I have to wonder if I was unusually shallow as a kid.  I don't think I was.  I think I was just a kid.  The question that this leaves me with is, did I learn anything from my mom's example?  Was I even capable of learning from my mom's example?  Certainly her work ethic and sacrifice has inspired me as an adult.  But at the time I was more focused on the fact that I bought all my own stuff and 'paid my own way' (yeah right!). 

My wife and my sister came up with three good reasons for mommies to work: 1. more income, 2. increased self-esteem, 3. providing a role-model for children.  I don't disagree with any of those rationales, but I would also note that number three might take a decade or two to sink in.

As an adult male who has tried to provide for his family for the past decade, I have now experienced true financial woes and being responsible for keeping little tummies full.  During that time, Sarah's income contributions after our eldest was born, were in the form of sporadic baby-sitting and blood plasma donation.  What she hasn't contributed in money terms, she's more than made up for in taking care of the kids, the home, and most certainly me. 

I've always known that Sarah would want to start working again at some point.  Nonetheless, when she declared a while back that she wanted to do medical transcription, I panicked.  She runs the family finances, and I trusted that when she felt it was necessary for our finances, she was right.  But I knew how much our family needed her skills as a full-time mommy, and that I wasn't capable of picking up the slack. 

Maybe I was a bad husband.  Because I didn't actively make it easier for Sarah to do her training.  I don't know that I could have.  Capable or not, I knew that either she could handle the extra pressure on her own, or the new career wasn't going to work out.  In the end, she couldn't do it.  I couldn't have done it either, so that's no poor reflection on her. 

As it turned out, we didn't need the money.  We made it financially without her getting a job.  Objectively speaking, that means that Sarah was wrong, and her temporary urge to seek employment was due more to an existential crisis than a monetary crisis.  That could come across as belittling, but I don't mean it to.  Most people have periodic identity crises, myself included.  Nuff' said.

So back to the original topic . . . I think there are almost always financial alternatives to moms having to work.  It may require sacrifices for the whole family - ones that the children may resent at the time.  But it's doable.  In retrospect, I don't think my mom needed to work.  I think a better option would have been me and my working-age siblings chipping in a gallon of milk or two with every paycheck.  That's the way most cultures do things, and I think I could have done with an attitude readjustment.  Looking back at my mom's life, I doubt the money she earned came anywhere near justifying the misery she endured.  Then again, if my mom had had the ability to actually help my family get ahead (saving for retirement, getting out of debt, etc.) then it may have been worth it.

As for self-esteem, that's an entirely subjective matter.  Every situation is different and I can't make any generalizations.  If it's needed, it's needed. 

As for being an example, I honestly think that sometimes we worry too much about it.  Like most parents, I try to be the ultimate example.  I want to exude every positive trait that my kids may ever need to acquire.  It's a pipe dream though.  I'll never achieve that standard.  The best I can hope for is to be honest with my kids about my flaws and encourage them to seek positive role models wherever they arise, and to avoid idolizing anyone.  Learning from flaws can be just as valuable as learning from virtues.

I hope this isn't insulting to anyone.  I don't intend that to be the case.  All I am saying is that parenting rarely achieves its intended objectives in anything more than the broadest brushstrokes.  Whether we need to do things for other reasons, such as self esteem or increased income, is another matter.  But kids will work things out on their own, for better or for worse.