Giving a Crap

When one of my favorite bloggers(and persons) posted a link to a grammar-oriented blog, I had to check it out.  My English skills are mostly intuitive since I haven't had any formal grammar instruction since Mr. Fowler's class in 9th grade.  I earned a C.  A lot of writing since then has left me with a pretty good sense of how to work the written word, but things like the lie/lay duality are certainly a weak spot for me. 


Of course, my brain revels in tangential thinking.  Reading about grammar inevitably makes me more attentive to daily phrases that are normally said offhand.  That's not really grammar, that's phraseology (yes, that's a real field of study).  Either way, both concepts occupy the same niche in my semantic neural networks.


So, like any other day, this morning I found myself in need of taking care of a certain bodily function.  And I said to myself, "I'm gonna go take a crap."  And yes, my internal monologue really does make (crude) declaratives in fully formed sentences. 


So I sat down on the porcelain throne, both to heed nature's call and to catch up a bit in my 'bathroom book'  (not to be confused with my nightstand book, my office desk book, or my living room book).  Three decades of practice meant I didn't have to think much about completing a bowel movement.  Instead, I was focused on supposed anachronisms in the Book of Mormon and the arguments for and against specific instances.  I was happily engaged in the process of analyzing a religious/archaeological/lexicological debate when it occurred to me, "I'm not taking a crap, I'm giving one!"  This idea was quite intrusive - easily brushing aside questions of faith and history.  And, as usual, once this tangential idea had a toehold it completely took over my attention.


Why in the world do we call it "taking a crap"?  Unless someone is extracting the mass in question via forceps, suction pump, or other external means, it is much more accurate to say that said fecal matter is being given - freely so.  On a related note, removing the 'a' and talking about "taking crap" is usually indicative of someone giving you a hard time (non-Mormons frequently replace 'crap' with another semantically identical four-letter word).  So if I take a crap (from myself), I'm literally removing waste from my body - a positive thing.  But if I take crap (from someone else), then I'm just having stress added to my life - a negative thing.  I'm sensing some scatological egotism here.  Taking my crap is good.  Taking your crap is bad.  I don't think that this form of fecal superiority is warranted.  That kind of thinking is how segregation got started, and society can't afford a separate sewage processing plant for every superior poo in the world. 


The confusion hardly ends there.  What about using "I don't give a crap" as a phrase indicating not caring?  If not giving a crap indicates lack of interest, the implication of the opposite is that gifting feces is a sign of caring about a person or idea.  So if I take your crap, then you're making my life miserable.  But if you give me your crap, then you've shown a deep and abiding interest in my well being.  What difference does it make if I took it, or you gave it?  Either way, it's still me being in possession of your bodily waste.  Ewwww!  I think this must be why hermits turn their backs on society.  Not only is there an alarming amount of excrement being exchanged in our society, but the rules governing said exchange are confusing in the extreme.


I thus propose a simplified scheme for regulating both the figurative and literal exchange of poo in our society.  No one should ever want to "take a crap", or "take crap".  Increasing personal stockpiles of scat should be universally interpreted as a negative, unless of course you're a fertilizer producer or a wildlife researcher.  Giving crap should be distinguished by recipient.  Giving crap to the toilet = good.  Giving crap to other people = bad.  Not giving a crap should no longer be identified as not caring.  Rather, it should just be the generally accepted figurative norm in terms of human relations, and a particularly painful medical condition if it literally lasts more than a couple of days.


So now what, do I start a petition?